i dont even want to try anymore.

IM TIRED.

okay i'm freaking tired as hell.

pulled an ALLNIGHTER because joann was sleeping over at my house.
& we kevin did it with us haha.
over WEBCAM.
while we were webcamming and stuff i was like OH IM NOT TIRED.
but now, it's starting to really hit me haha.
We were going to meet for breakfast at McDonalds at 11.
but me and joann ended up waking up at 11 because our alarms didn't go off.
FAIL. nexttime! haha. but, i guesss i feel kinda accomplished, cause
i dont think i've ever pulled off an allnighter completely.
x)

random.

SO life's still going good x)
i made ayala's drumline! i.made.it. so happy! haha.
& friends are tight .
love, ugggh, don't bring that up. it's just really...painful ? i guess you can say haha. otherwise, there are some CUTTTTAYS out there . i like. i like. ;D
hmmm, random but, i really crave some popcorn chicken..
OH and crepes, and crackers, and nutella.
YUMMMMMY. hmmm, i'm still veryveryvery insecure. idk, i guess beauty is skin deep. and this is true, but idk, i still get kinda self concious haha. well that's all for today. off to homework !

SCARED

today was auditions, and i BOMBED it.
i did not do too well, but i am just hoping for the best.
i am going to stay up,as long as it takes to get those results !
i really hope i get vibe. i hoenstly, dont want ANYTHING else.
but i'll take anything. i just wanna be in the ensemble.
but ANYWAYS, i get hurt wayy too easily.
my ankle is stilll pretty retarted from when i sprained it back in december.
ryan pushed me down that one night, and i have a huge bruise on my left knee, and my right knee is all scraped up .
the inside of my nose like has a bruise or something, i dont even know. it hurts to even touch it
and NOW I HAVE STYE in my EYE! -_- it hurts to even blink .
great. just great.

drumlineee

so auditions are in THREE DAYS and i'm freaking out haha. i dont think i'm ready, and i'm going to fail. ESPECIALLLY when they start asking those questions !
but anywho, i realized that i really really really want to be in battery. and i actually really want to play bass. i wasp laying today, and it was REALLY FUN. & plus, battery just seems way more fun then pit. I wanna march, get drills, visuals, y'know. all that good stuff haha. BUT, i know that people will judge, and i'm scared to go to battery haha. I would try out like next year but i dont have ANY confidence, so i'm not even gonna try haha. but i would really like too hahaha . but i think i'ma end up on PIT all four years haha. Theres good and bad things about both battery and pit. sigh, if only i started battery in jr high years. Oh well, we'll have to see what happens. Cause before 8th grade i wanted to do QUADS really super badly, but it was just a phase and never happend haha.

as of right now,

life is gettting BETTTTER.
life is actually pretty good <3
i have realized my TRUE friends, and the ones that will most likely stay till the end .
As for school, i just wanna get to highschool already. I'm sick and tired of junior high!
Drumline clinics are really helping me get ready for my audition. But i'ma be scared for the audition anyways cause i have HUGE stage fright. i freeze up, and i just suckass in front of people. But, let's hope for the best!
Hmmm, boy. i'm done. over you. i'm sick and tired of getting my hopes up and then having them crushed right after. you may not realize it, but it does hurt. so i'm done. buhbye. -CELINEHIGHFIVE!-
but you OTHERBOY. damn, your hotHotHOT x) but yourlike WAAAAAAY out of my league so i'll just have you as my eyecandy (: i would try and get you, but i have NO IDEA on how too flirt, and i already know i'm not your type, so yeah. haha. yourhot. OKAY enough of that! Hmm, life is really unfair dont you think? Pretty people have such great advantages. Why did i have to get my daddy's manly features -_- (bulky hands, wide feet, BIG LONG HEAD, BIG TALL NOSE) ugh. i wanted my mom's feminine features, but my brother got them. so.messed.up. but honestly, i think everyone just needs to find a boy that loves them for their flaws. You dont want to change yourself for a guy, have him like you for you.
Hmmm, i really need to stop biting my nails. My hands are ugly as fuck haha. And the callouses from drumline aren't helping very much. schools out in a month! i ordered my dress online, it's going to come soon. I'm scared it might be too short. PLEASEBEAPPROPRIATE. hahah. The WEATHER. goodness, it's kinda sorta ALOT HOT. but then it goes quite cold. so i'm getting sick + allergies. not good. well that's all for today ! my goal is to GETINTOAYALA'SDRUMLINE. stop being so SHY. stop beineg INSECURE. and GROW MY BANGS OUT. ugh, i hate my haircut -___-

why is it that
almost everything i want

you end up getting.

everything i fall for

you end up getting.

whywhywhy.

.

longlongday.
saw some things i didn't want to see.
and saw things that AMAZED me.

you know, because i told you.
yet, you come to me with all these words
that you KNOW are going to help me.
but, i dont' way a word.
and help you anyways.
sigh.

tomorrow.

i'll do it tomorrow.
if your online.

i'm gonna get it over with.

money.

i reallly want to take like 500$ and go on a shopping spree.

042810

today was an ordinary day. nothing special.
except we had a really whack schedule. it wasn't that baad.
HMMM, i really need to go shopping. but that's gonna happen
this saturdaaay ! i'm going accesory shopping with jamieelee <3
&then we'll come home and have some FUNFUNFUN !
so, afterschool i had drumline PRIVATE LESSONS.
and JENNIE CHANG came ! i'm so glad she's going to ayala now .
i missed her sososomuch. but, i'm kinda scared because. there is about
five us trying out for mallets. and they are only taking TWO. but then again,
ryan started to get my hopes up by telling me that they might EXPAND the pit and battery. meaning that they will get more equipment which means they will take moree peoplee ! hopefully this is true. MAN, ayala excercies are pretty touch. Scales are confusing because the old scales that i know and have been playing for two years are like, stuck to me. The muscle memory i have from that, is NOT helpig me with learning the ayala scales. LEGO BLOCKS. it's a funn excercise. i like it (: but the triplet part keeps throwing me off. aish. and i still have to learn the notes for the next part. FRIED RICE, hehehe, what a funny name. it's a LATERAL excerice. dislikedislikeDISLIKE. anyways, clinics are TWO weeks away! and auditions are THREE weeks away! i have to work my ass off to get into that toppp gold medalist school. enough about drumline, on to maah friends. idk, i feel like everyone is hating on me. like literally, the 3 people i thought i was closest too, and like two other people, are giving me this vibe that they just dont wanna be near me. maybe, we weren't meant to be bestfriends. idontknow. i guess time can only tell. and this one other girl, me an her are TIGHT. i like her haha. but, she's not going to AYALA so yeah that sucks. but me and her will keep in touch! i hope haha. jamielee will always be my bestfriend, but idk. we aren't in the same group of friends, or have mutual friends, so it might be a little hard. i guess i'll wait till highschool to find that ONE bestfriend. but who knows when that will happen. i guess when it comes to friends right now...it sucksass.
i'll give it some time. not get so paranoid and whatnot. anyways, i'm tired.
it's ten'oclock. i played wii fit plus, and i need to study for the civil war test tomorrow. ugh.
well goooodnight !

.

i'll find that one special bestfriend
someday.

& i've got to change for the better.
i dont wanna lose everything i have .
everything that's important to me.

EXHAUSTED.

today was such a long day. i am exhuasted, but i thought i'd blog about my thoughts before i go to bed.
so today was SHOWCASE. and we totally crashed and burned the performace, but that's okay cause it wasn't judged. it was supposed ot be fun. & of course i watched AYALA. they are supergood . i hope i get there this fall. CHINO highschool was also very very goood. and i finally have some respect for the colorguard. they are very talented, and go through lots of hard work for a good show. so props to colorguard. HMM, i've noticed that, when your in pit and you play some really cool part/solo or anything, people don't clap. they dont even care. but when your in battery and you play something REALLY SMALL that gets their attention, they go crazy. so unfair. but it's alright, i love the part i play, and as long as i feel like it was great, i will be fine. auditions! i'm scared, terrified actually. i really want to make it in. OH, and the bunny today made no effort to say hello. I shouuldn't anticipate so much huh. I mean, he's like HIM. something unattainable. i guess older people, dont dig younger girls. oh well. he can just be my eyecandddy x) i dont mind that eitheer haha. whatelse, OH, i'm still freakingout over somethings, and i'm hoping for the best. but i can't control what people think, or do. i just hope she keeps her word, and means what she said.

otherwise, my arms are SORE and i am TIRED.
so goodnight to anyone who actually reads this pointless thing.

041710;

what a funfunfun-ish day.
WELL, i guess the whole day kinda revolved around drumline.
i payed 24$ to watch the WGI DAYTON, OHIO performances ONLINE.
it was money spent for a good reason .
Jamie Lee and Ryan Aguilar were supposed to come over and watch it with me,
but Ryan ended up going to Six Flags, and couldn't make it.
JAMIE did come luckily (:
we walked to fresh&easy and bought FUNFETTI cake and CHOCOLATE icecream.
so DELISH ! & then we just watched drumline shows for the rest of the time.
We watched alot of schools, but one i have to point out in particular is...
AYALA HIGHSCHOOL. yes, it is a bias, but whatever.
they were AMAZING. annd, me and jamie had our little....spazzams.
-LOLOL, JAMIE YOU CAN NEVER ERASE THAT VIDEO OKAY ?!-
& Chino Hills High was also VERYVERY good. i like their show alot. The cymbal solos are very cool.
RCC & PULSE also performed. RCC's show wasn't that interesting to me. it was whatever, but PULSE's is AMAZING. i saw vanessa x) go vanessa! but, yeah. i love the toms solo.
& Music City Mystique, i've never heard of this school. But it was really interesting, like a circus.
They had Cymbals thrown into the air everywhere, and they would land on the tip of a stick.
and then start spinning, y'know like those plates on sticks that start spinning? very very cool.
OH, and RHYTHM X. i think they are my new favorite. they are absoulutely phenomenal when it comes to visuals. They had like Cymbal players runnning ON TOP of the snare drums, (yes feet touch the snare drum head) and then they would like jump off and do an aerial. & like snare dummers were on tenors and playing. and yeah, very very very nice.
OH. last year, in Rhythm X, there was a BLIND tenor player. i think he's one of my heroes now. It's really amazing. hmm, now i just have to wait for the results. too lazy to blog about that. so yeaaah.
goodnight !

JILLIANNHANNAPAK!

my new VENTING BUDDY.
your my neighbor, & i've known you forever.
but on April 14, 2010, is the day we really got to know eachother.
and i LIKE YOU. not likelike, but like
our personalities go so well together,
and i think this could work x)
hahaha.

DRUMLINE CHAMPIONSHIPS.

today was championships, and it was a LONGLONGLONG day !
although i'm the negative one of the drumline, i actually think we had a great show. The arena was HUGE, and so intimidating, but i loved performing in it. but sadly, that was our LAST performance of our junior high year. looking back on it now, i'm amazed to see how much i've improved. how much the drumline has improved. I feel so accomplished, and i would like to thank mr.sun for it all. The day was pretty boring until ayala came. They are so freaking good, it's kinda scary. Their music is so pretty! and they are so talented. I can't wait till I'm in their drumline; that is if i make their drumline. Their standards are so high, i have to try extra hard to make it in. I will work my ass off for a spot in their drumline. Unfourtunately, both Ayala and we, got second place. Oh well though. In my eyes, we both got first place, and we did great.
I truly am never going to forget this experience. It's a memory i will never erase. It's sad that it's all over. Why did it have to end ? Now, i just have to wait till MAY, to see if i make ayala.
OH, and theres still showcases at CHHS, and AYALA. so those should be fun.

R.I.P DRUMLINE.

so. tomorrow is our LAST drumline competition of the 09-10 season !
i'm excited, yet sad all at the same time. i dont' want it to end. but, i want to win!
it's championships, and i'm worried that we'll get last or something. we'll just have to go all out!
but...yeah junior high drumline is over. it's depressing to hear those words, but it's reality. i' truly am going to miss everybody. i have to make a note to myself that i'll visit all the time. i'll miss the scrubs, and just being with the WHOLE ensemble, together. rehearsing. it's a memory i'll never forget. the sad part is, i think today's rehearsal was...overall depressing. Everyone was depressed, and had personal problems, and they let it affect them in rehearsal. I hope tomorrow, everyone stays focused, and pushes all their problems to the side during the performance and just MAX it out ! even if we get last, if i know we had a great show, i'll be satisfied. would it be nice to have a gold medal? yes. but it doesn't matter as long as we all beilive we played well. after tomorrow, there is still ayala showcase, chinohillshigh showcase, our third rally, and banquet. These should be fun (: but they just wont be the same. The feeling that theirs competition out there, and your fighting for  something, is gone. R.I.P 2009-2010 Drumline Season. "The Tree"

MAY 10-14; is ayala clinics. and i'm SO FUCKING SCARED.
i really REALLY really REALLY want to make ayala, and i dont know what i'll do if i dont.
i have to work real hard for it. since, ryan is a freaking prodigy and might make FRONT ENSEMBLE.
and then theres like one more spot left, and like 4 more people trying out. i really have to try. try HARD.
im scared. because, drumline is like a passion of mine, and i dont know what i' would do if i had to wait a whole nother school year till i can do it agian. i hope this quote is true, "Practice makes Perfect."
i'll have to practice my hardest, and hope the insturctors see what i can become.

drifting friends.

i feel like i'm drifting away from all my closest friends.
i dont even think i have someone to call my "bestfriend" anymore.

and all my old friends, they aren't as close.
i wonder why. what can i do to fix it ?

who knows. not me.

sprainedankle.

so i sprained my ankle on December 16, 2009.
and it's STILL NOT HEALED.
the doctor said it will probably go for a year,
and that's just horrible news to hear.

i can't do shit with this fucked up ankle.
so sad/mad.

HEAL ALREADY !

insecure.

i dont know why; but i'm reallly really really SUPER insecure these days.
honestly, i feel super shitty next to other people, and feel super ugly.
maybe it's me just noticing it now, or maybe it's all in my head.
but it's getting to me. i dont know what to do.
actually, i do know what to do.
there's just obstacles in my way.
and normally, i'm not this insecure.
and i think part of the reason i'm so insecure
is because of a certain someone.

ughughfmlughugh.

joannkim.

she understands

my pain.

effman.

i dont know what to do !

i see you with her.

and instantly.

i'm jealous.

celineroseesguerra.

your a true friend.
you really care, even if it's only pretend.
you're there for me, even when i'm down
you know how to turn my frown upside down !
your creepy, weird, and very sarcastic.
but you make it so that, the situation isn't so drastic.
i trust you with secrets, i hope you trust me too.
but if you tell a single soul, that's when i'm through with you.
you understand me, unlike alot of people i know.
we talk it through, weather it's fast or slow.
take me to disneyland! you said you would.
i'm sure it'll do me lots of good.
ignore me, y'know, whenever i'm depressed.
i'll probably be like this for a while, but hey, i'm just stressed.
rubegoldberg! this should be fun.
we're partners, we'll work, but we'll get alot more done.
we'll play wii, take pictures, tell jokes, and just bake.
it'll be fun! i already, can't wait.
anyways, yeah. i love that your in my life.
my life would be different, just like a man with no wife.
anyways, theres only one line left to do.
celineroseesguerra, i love you!


what a cheesy last sentence.
OH WELL.

neighbor.

ugh. i hate you.

my mom's bestfriend just HAS to be our neighbor.
and goodness, she is a bitch.

she thinks she knows EVERYTHING.
and just critizes our family on EVERYTHING.
she thinks she's the shit.

ughughugh!

dear mom,
why do you have such a horrible bestfriend?

drumline.

there's only two rehersals left until prelims.
if we make it to finals, then four.

prelims are next saturday, and i'm hoping we do good.
i REALLY REALLY want to make it to finals.
if we don't, i'm not going to feel accomplished in this season.

sigh, it's almost over.
i don't want it to end !
oh well, i guess i'll just have to wait till Ayala now.
go to clinics, try out, and hopefully make it in.

it's almost time to say goodbye.
to Canyon Hills Jr. High Drumline of 2009-2010.

pimples.

stupid. stupid. STUPID.
pimples.

they are tortuing my face and i don't know what to do!
it isn't acne, but i am getting some sort of pimples.

why can't everyone just have good skin.
then we don't have to spend money on all these products !

auggggh.

pho & ramen.

PHO and RAMEN.

two of the most delicious things in the world.
wouldn't you agree?

Someday, Theresa Nguyen is going to make Jilliann Pak and Me some YUMMY pho.

and Jilliann and I are going to make her the most AMAZING ramen.

OH, i also found out that Theresa is cheating on her boyfriend, Kevin Shu.
and with her "girlfriend" Charis Bae.

HAHA. she's all mine now.
OH BABY !

you can't always have what you want.

i beilive this quote.

i think i like you.
but you're unavalible.
so what must i do?
wait, wait, and just keep waiting?

that's too long.
i'll get over you,
time will pass.

& i'll find someone new.